Eddie Izzard - the comic runs a marathon a day in Europe - truly funny

I do think that "toasters and showers" was the best --- but the pic of the giraffe with the leaves was also so very funny. This guy is great -- Margie Cain mentioned following him on Twitter so I signed up! @eddieizzard very fun. Enjoy the weather forcast and check back for more - or follow him too!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

2008 version
Why did that chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road
because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed
the road because he recognized the need to engage in
cooperation and
dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I
personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.
This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One!
- that everychicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the
chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us.
There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you
can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that
chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road
to cross, and
I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not
for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this
chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the
problem on this side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the other side of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting
by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is
having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he
can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road
because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the
road, and that was good enough
.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a
few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for
the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of
crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the
world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross
the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

32 degrees - Caption in "Last Chair" - I'm a Winner!

Hilary & Sarah - live from Saturday Night!

This is hilarious! I love Sarah posing at the end, and Hilary breaking apart the podium....

The Email of all emails....

My friend Judy sent this to me a while back and I was laughing so hard.... I thought I would post to my blog as a funny when you have a minute to read this it will have you rolling on the floor in laughter! And if you want it.... i have the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe... : )


I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving
alone is picking their nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because the! ir chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with HIV.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the
seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow
a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient
brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't even bother taking it off now it's too late!!

Airline Humor

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a
plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. This is great reassurance
for those who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Skiing Humor

In this month’s Professional Skier magazine (from PSIA) was this great article by Kevin about equating stand up comedy to ski instruction. There were some great pertinent points, but I really liked some of the fun jokes about skiing and needed to take note and share – mostly with my girls (they LOVE jokes and I never have enough), to spice up the season. So I am hoping that when I visit www.kevincomedy.com I will find some good ongoing material to share – the winter is JUST beginning!

Promise to smile when you read these – and remember it is all in the delivery…..

Jokes:
How many ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine – one to actually change it and eight to analyze their turns.

(This is a variance on my favorite joke that I heard while teaching skiing at Keystone)
How many Vail ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine – one to screw in the bulb and eight to stand there and say “nice turns”!

What is the difference between God and a ski instructor?
God doesn’t think he is a ski instructor.

“Ladies – you think male ski instructors are like chewing gum stuck on a sidewalk. First reaction is “Wow – free gum!”, but when you bring it home to your mother she says “Spit it out! You don’t know where its been”!

From Lot's of Jokes:
The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...

- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!

- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.

- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!

- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.

- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.

* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!

From Natives:
Boarder Jokes:

Q. How many snow board instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three - one to hold it, one to video tape it and the other to say "AWESOME DUDE!"


Q. What do you call a snowboarder with no girlfriend/boyfriend?
A. Homeless


Q. What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student?
A. 3 days!


Q. If you have a car with 3 snowboarders in the back seat, what do you call the driver?
A. Officer!


Q. How does a snowboard instructor meet his group?
A. He rides into them!

Q. How many ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one - he holds it while the mountain revolves aroundAnd a couple for the lifties:

Q. How many lifties does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None - we just call maintenance!

Q. Why do lifties only get half a hour lunch break?
A. Because any longer and they need to be retrained!
him


The skier's dictionary from Aha Jokes
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

What is the dfference between a government bond and a ski instructor?
A: The government bond will eventually mature and make money.


AND THERE's MORE!
How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ski instructors don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

Q: How do you get a snowboarder off your porch?

A: Pay for the pizza.

---------------

Q: How many Extreme Skiers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Twenty, one to make the actual turns, and then 19 to point up and say "I could have done that".

---------------

Q: How many ski patrollers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Just one, they simply hold it up and let the world revolve around them.

---------------

This guy walks into a bar at Mt. Baker and says "Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?" The bartender says, "I'm a snowboarder, the guy on your right is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your left, and the guy behind you is a snowboarder." So he says, "OK. I'll tell it a little more slowly then..."

---------------

Q: Why do lifties only get half a hour lunch break?

A: Because any longer and they need to be retrained!

---------------

Q: What do snowboarders use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

---------------

Q: How does a snowboarder introduce themselves?

A: Ohhh - sorry dude!

---------------

Q: How do you become a millionare as a professional skier?

A: Start out a billionare.

Q: what's the difference between two large pizzas and a ski instructor?

A: Two large pizzas can feed a family of five.
***************************************************************************
From Alpine Accessories:
You know you're a real skier if...

Your significant other thinks diamonds are black.
Have broken or torn something on your body.
You own a $100.00 dress or suit, but have a $600.00 ski outfit.
Have more skiing pictures than wedding pictures.
Complain about a $$1.00 hamburger, but have no problem paying $60 for a lift ticket.
Your ski gear is worth more than your car.
You pay off your visa by the end of summer just to make room for ski season.
You may be a ski bum…

When a night out means Old Milwaukee and chips.
When you buy only $5.00 worth of gas.
When the term car, truck or van means home.
When you shop at the lost and found.
You can live for 5 months on $100.00 worth of food.
When the word frostbite means a little numbness.
When your thumb is your only means of transportation.
When -40 means no lift lines.
Your dream job is the night janitor at the lodge.
Humorous definitions of some ski terms;

ski bum; a person who takes a low paying ski job at a ski resort to watch other people with high paying jobs ski.

ski school; where beginners are turned into menaces.

the snowplow; a skiing position in which the tails of the skis are pushed into a V-shape and the insides are edged. This is usually the first maneuver beginners are taught. From there they learn more complicated maneuvers like the Snowsit, the Snowfall and the Tipscross followed by the ever popular Faceplant.

snow; a form of precipitation that usually occurs three weeks prior to and the morning of your departure from your ski vacation.

Stizmark; a German word for the imprint left in the snow made by a falling skier.

Stiz-remark; an Anglo-Saxon word that can be heard by a fallen skier.

Ski Patrol; a group of trained, experienced volunteers or professionals, wearing distinctive parkas with crosses, who are responsible for the maintenance of safety, the elimination of dangerous conditions, and the treatment of injuries at a ski area. A note to skiers: although members of the ski patrol are prepared to respond instantly in any emergency, a broken hot tub is not considered life threatening.

White Christmas?

How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic:
Only one.
Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal:
Ten.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians:
None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic:
None.
Candles only.

Baptists:
At least fifteen.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians:
Three.
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons:
Five.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent, three- way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists:
Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday.
Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Lutherans:
None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

Dogs & Cats - Diary

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors
by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must
try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse
these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought
them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according
to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was
due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to
my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can
wait, it is only a matter of time ....

5 Important Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1 -
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back upin the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2 -
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in andcrossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3 -

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss speak first.


Corporate Lesson 4 -

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing allday. A Rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbits at on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.